New Year's Resolutions for other people

Being the kind, thoughtful guy that he is, the The Agg Pro has come up with a batch of New Year's resolutions for other people. Nice eh?

George W. Bush: Trample Constitution. Check. Go to war for no good reason. Check. Run up giant deficits. Check. Relax environmental regulations for corporate buddies. Check. That just leaves dismantling Social Security and invading the rest of "terra" countries, at least the ones with oil. Heh heh. That should be fun.

Dick Cheney: Work to better at keeping lips from moving when W speaks. Practice throwing voice better, because it would be a scream to have Justice Ginsburg tell Sen. Leahy to "Fuck off" during State of the Union address.

Don Rumsfeld: Buy extra kevlar to better insulate office from troop complaints. Remember to get story straight on Flight 93 shootdown, um, heroic crash.

Bill Frist: Keep shoving Rick Santorum out of his office, reminding the Pennsylvania senator he's not retiring until 2006.

Harry Reid: Grow a pair and fight the GOP at every turn.

Nancy Pelosi: Loan your pair to Reid when he needs it.

Hillary Clinton: Take one for the team: announce you won't seek the presidency in 2008.

Bob Novak: Begin tirade about media elites who refuse to divulge sources and then suddenly implode with irony.

Matt Drudge: Be a homophobic queen who delights in ruining people's careers by making up items for his pathetic Web site. Oh wait. Nevermind.

The Amish: Sign up for broadband and start blogging about their cows.

The Republican Party: sign up for refresher course in vote suppression and fraud at local community college, you know, just to brush up.

The Democratic Party: Stop lying in the corner like a beaten dog and start fighting back.

Canada: Keep chasing the eternal dream, bacon-flavored, beer-fried donuts, while enjoying the fact that your country isn't run by a bunch of international criminals.

MTV: Admit it's over and accept that you are about as cool as the kid in school who got thrown out of the Amish for not being hip enough.

The NFL: After no one, even people who die on the couch after the first half, bothers to watch Paul McCarney's Super Bowl halftime show, announce first-ever all nude. but tasteful for the family, halftime show for next season.